Becoming The Person I Want to Be :: Reflecting On How I Spend My Time

ash-1I recently had a conversation with a friend about how stressed and tired I had been over the last few days.  I have chosen to live a simplified life and so when my schedule starts getting even just slightly busy my body reacts {headaches, stomachaches, tiredness, irritability, which all leads to overeating and lack of exercise}.  Having my body react in these ways is not fun but it is a physical reminder I am getting myself involved in too much. 

I have been considering taking on another very flexible sub like part time job {I am already a substitute teacher}.  When I think about it I get very excited as I think it is something I would enjoy and excel at.  Yet the process has been more work than I have wanted to jump into so I am hesitant about following through and committing. DSC_00461I have narrowed down my substitute teaching to two schools and only for teachers I know.  Yet somehow this has grown into subbing multiple days a week.  The actual job is perfect as it is flexible and I get to choose when to work and who to work for.  Yet I find myself not allowing myself to say “no” to jobs when I know I should for my own sanity. 

Over the last few months my blog has grown faster than it ever has before.  The sudden boom has been very exciting and something I have dreamed for my blog for years.  Yet somehow as my page views rise and my inbox floods with comments I cannot help but feel overwhelmed and stressed.  I pressure myself to keep the momentum going.  I tell myself this is an opportunity I can not pass up and I must be fully involved to gain more and more readers.  DSC_01641And then my husband comes home from work.  Sometimes he is stressed sometimes he is happy.  He considers his future in his career weighing the many factors of what he needs to do to plan for our future.  And as we are having this conversation I realize that I need to not take another job, I need to not substitute teach as much, and I need to let go of pressuring myself to make my blog bigger.  Instead I need to be home more.  I need to be available and attentive to him when he gets home.  Not so much because he needs me to but because that is the wife I want to be.  DSC_05211I have known this for awhile but have been too selfish to admit it.  The time I spend during the day is not a reflection of the person I want to be.  None of the things that I do are bad but they are keeping me from becoming that person I so longingly want to become.  It is time to say “no” so I can finally say “yes.” 

What has been keeping you from becoming the person you want to be?

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13 comments:

  1. i JUST posted my own thoughts yesterday and today on this very thing! i really appreciate your honesty in this area. it is so countercultural and i'm so proud of you for choosing to live this way. i'm going to link to this post as a follow up to my posts.
    varelavoyage.blogspot.com

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  2. ashley~it is good that your realize what is stressing you out before it gets out of control. i think its best to sit down with yourself and your hubby and decide what means the most to you. i know at our house, that boy of mine has a very stressful job, so its very important that i am there to support him when he walks in the door....i often feel that i have so many things that i want to accomplish yet not enough time in the day. (that stresses me out....) my list keeps growing but the time is less! (does that make sense?) i took a part time job in november and while the money has been amazing, my sanity has paid the price. it is only temporary but i am sort of looking forward to when i can just relax and not run from job to job!
    best of luck to you! i am certain you will figure it all out! follow your heart and dreams and you will go far! xoxo

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  3. I think you are wise to come to this conclusion BEFORE committing to something else and becoming even more frustrated. However, I will tell you this...as someone who will be married for 10 years in August...it IS important to be there for your husband and look to his needs...but don't forget yourself. Often we take on the "housewife/mom" role and put our hopes and dreams on the backburner. The absolute best thing to do is focus on the FAMILY first (which is very contrary to what we hear on TV, in magazines, etc), but don't ever forget about the things that make you happy, inspire you, or help you grow. You might not always have time for them, but don't forget about them. :)

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  4. very well put. I have been thinking along these same lines lately... not because my blog is popular at all but because I have found myself focusing a little too much on blog world lately....
    When I first started I had a pretty strict rule that I only blogged when my toddler was sleeping and when my husband was not home and lately I have let that rule slip a little... think I will get back to it!!

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  5. I really love that you know when to say no more. It's hard to do it and I make myself do it a lot more than people understand.

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  6. I have to say the one thing that is driving me bonkers is my outside family. My hubs and the boys love the I'm home, that I am not so stress about a job, and paying daycare, etc. But my other relatives seem to always throw my way the "when you go back to work" conversation. Apparently they think is where I should be. I'm so proud of you for recognizing that you need to take the steps to be who you want to be.
    I'm gonna go do the same now :)

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  7. A succesful life comes from many successful days.
    Just think and work one day at a time...don't overwhelm yourself! People like your blog because it isn't big and full of too much stuff. So, keep it simple, just the way you like it! :)
    There is no point is trying to please other people if you cannot please yourself.

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  8. I love how sincere you are in this post, and know that you are not alone. My husband too has a job that takes alot of him, and I have 2 toddlers running around the house. It is not always easy, I get stressed and sometimes feel like I am losing myself but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am doing exactly what God has called me to do. Being a good wife and (future) mother is a ministry. I know it's not for everyone but if you feel God tugging on your heart to do that then the decision is easy. God will lighten the load for both you and your husband through your obedience to Him. I will be praying for you girl :)

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  9. This is such a great post, and not that it matters but I think you are making such a great decision right now. Your husband is very blessed to have you!
    And you know what keeps me from being the person I want to be is me fear of what others might think.
    I really need to get over this!
    xoxo

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  10. Totally understand where you are coming from. I work a full time job outside home, have a 6 year old son and a husband. I know how crazy busy our days are here. I think no matter what you have on your plate the world is just a very busy place and demands seem to come from everywhere anymore. You are wise to consider how valuable your time is and how valuable your family time is. We live in a world where everyone thinks more, more, more is the way to go...but I think doing less and having less to keep up with makes you happier and less stressed out. I love your blog and have for a long time. The reason is because you have always come across and genuine and real. I am sure things will work out just fine for you. Hugs and prayers! Have a great day!

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  11. Hooray for a simple life style! As I always tell you, enjoy it now because life gets soooo much busier and crazier when kids come along! In my opinion, less is more!

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  12. I love your blog... I just awarded you the versitile blog award... go here to check it out and pass it along :)

    http://itsareynoldsfulworld.blogspot.com/2011/02/i-got-award.html

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  13. Good for you! It seems like we all are so busy being busy we never stop long enough to realize we are missing out on a much slower, happier life of our choosing. We don't want to admit that it IS within our own power to say NO to all the 'stuff'. What is keeping me? Fear of how far my own dreams might take me, the unknown of it all.

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