What My Marriage Has Taught Me About My Teenage Insecurities


While recently editing some photos, I stopped to admire this one of my husband.  I love that I can see the flex of his muscles in his arms and legs.  I love that even for a man who rarely works out (!!!) he is still so strong and it makes me proud to be his wife.  

When I was in high school I was a tomboy.  I played rugby and I held the women's back squat record of lifting 300 pounds.  These were all things I found much pride in but not everyone felt that way.  I never dated anyone and I never got asked to a high school dance.  People--my friends--would tell me that I was too strong and tough and that guys would be intimidated by it. 

My lack of attention from boys made me feel insecure about myself.  I was too much of a tomboy.  I wasn't thin enough.  Not pretty enough.  Too shy.  My lack of a dating life felt like a reflection of who I was...never enough.


Little did I know that down the road my marriage would prove all of these things wrong. 

I have a very strong and masculine husband.  He is not intimidated by my strength.  Instead he encourages it.  It is in his masculinity that has allowed me to be more feminine.  I no longer have to prove myself or find my worth in my achievements.  Instead I have been able to settle in being loved for who I am.  At the same time I can continue to embrace my own physical strength and independence because it is not a threat to him.

If I could go back in time and tell my teenage self all of this, I would tell her to stay true to who she is.  It was in what I thought were insecurities that proved to be my greatest strengths.  I no longer have to prove myself but instead am rooted in being true to who I really am. 

My husband and my marriage have shown me that all those questions and doubts about myself would only surface to become a more beautiful understanding of who I am as a person, as a wife to my husband, and the purpose that has been set before me in this world.

*****

As I wrote this, I was reminded I have touched on this subject before.  If you would like, you can read my Letter to My Teenage Self.  It was a reminder I needed today to continue to be true and confident to who I am even when it feels like the rest of the world doesn't understand.

2 comments:

  1. I love this. This is totally me too. I was asked to one school dance as a freshman. Other than that, I went with people 'as friends' but mostly solo. I distinctly remember when I liked a boy, and vice versa, but he told his friends he 'could never date me because I could beat him at every sport'. Those insecurities have spilled over to most of my life, and I'm learning to be more confident with who I am. But that's still a battle every day. Stay strong my friend! :)

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  2. You share the most beautiful reflections. I love that you've found a partner in life that cherishes you for the person you are, and even makes you embrace the teenage self you once were unsure of. You are really a beautiful person in and out!

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