January 21, 2015
Finding My Breaking Point
Since two days after Christmas, Brent and I have been overtaken by a series of difficult situations. Things completely out of our control occurred leaving us broken, discouraged, and tired. I have sat down multiple times to convey our current season but I am struggling with what even to say. We are healthy. Our marriage is good. But we are barely hanging on some days.
I believe we are past the worst but it still lingers in our hearts, our moods, and specifically in my habits. In dealing with stressful situations I have allowed my body and mind to walk down roads of depression. Not dark scary ones but ones that I know I need to climb out of.
Many of the things that have happened are personal. They are not just about us but involve people we love. And so though I desire to share raw honesty, I just don't feel like it is my place to publicly share online all that has happened. But instead I still desire and need to share the process. It is part of climbing out of this dark hole.
I want to share what I have learned. I want to share that I have found disciplines to keep me from falling deep into depression or letting these occurrences get the best of me.
Though days are still rough, for the most part I am handling it all. In the midst of the chaos I have been surprisingly disciplined at working out. I started taking classes at the gym again and those sessions of letting someone else motivate me to move my body has been life giving.
After contemplating that in this season I am happiest when I work out, I have been reminded how important it is to move my body. Whether it is taking a walk mid afternoon or piling up my two nephews on cold foggy mornings for a hike, I need to move my body to get out of this funk.
I am learning that when I am tired and drained, I am increasingly more aware of what I want from life. I see my creativity and passions being neglected and it is forcing me to cut out everything but the necessities.
I find myself letting go of pressures I once put on myself. I am spending less time online, giving myself the grace to say no, and allowing myself a time of rest. I am reading more. I am more present in my time with people. I have chosen to run away from the distractions that continue to burden my mind and heart which has allowed me to be surprisingly more present.
When motivation is lacking I am digging deep within and talking myself out of it. I choose to get up and move my body. I choose to say no (sometimes!) to the mindless snacking. I push through and do what I know I need to do and I am able to see the fruit from choosing to do the right thing.
I am not motivated by happiness or excitement in making the right choices. It is in practicing a disciplined life that my body can go through the motions on it's own. What I have learned in past hurts and dark places is proving to heal me when I am down. I have somehow found strength that I have never known before.
It is in breaking that I am stronger. I am finding a greater sense of self only after I risk the chance of losing it.
So this is where I have been. This is where I am at. I have posts to share. Pretty pictures to share on Instagram. But know these are all part of just getting through. Maintaining and choosing to find beauty even when things are hard. Because if I can find a moment to share something life giving, it is not just for you as a reader, it is for me. It is a reminder that there is hope around the corner. So if I can take note of the small moments in life right now, I know I can get through this.