May 8, 2016

The Mom I Want To Be: Thoughts on Mother's Day


Last Mother's Day we had just started trying to get pregnant and I remember, for the very first time, Mother's Day felt uncomfortable.  We had only been trying for a month, but even then it was weird to be at a place where I was ready and wanted to be a mom but wasn't yet.  We had gone to church that day and I watched all my sweet mommy friends receive hand painted crafts from their little ones while we sat through a morning of honoring moms.  It is a lovely sentiment and one I look forward to in the coming future, but it definitely left an unsettling feeling in my stomach.

And yet here we are, a year later, with our son kicking me in the gut every few minutes.  All that gushy mom stuff is just around the corner and even now I feel myself especially sentimental about what it means to be a mom. 

But I have to say, while I feel like I half get to celebrate this Mother's Day, I am ashamed to admit how quickly this holiday became all about myself. 

The expectations of what I wanted, what I deserve, and the lofty dreams I make up in my head started to consume.  I started feeling sorry for myself as I pregnancy waddled through the Saturday afternoon crowd at the grocery store to put together Mother's Day dinner all on my own.  I made a mental list of what the perfect gift would be to receive from my husband on this first Mother's Day and how I would make him take me out for a meal on Saturday only to find out he had to work instead.

And then I got this sweet card in the mail.  A friend of mine sent me the kindest Mother's Day card and it reached in and grabbed my heart.  It made me consider the type of mom (and woman) I wanted to be - prompting me to take a step back and reevaluate my intentions on this holiday.

I want to be the type of friend that thinks of my own mom friends on Mother's Day - to be thoughtful enough to send a card to an expectant mom.  It makes me think of my friends who continue to struggle with infertility and what an especially hard day Mother's Day can be.  It would have been nice to pop a card in the mail letting them know I am thinking of them.

I consider my own mom who spends her entire Mother's Day weekend at her flower shop, serving other well deserving moms beautiful sentiments of love through flowers, while expecting nothing in return.  She has sacrificed every Valentine's Day and Mother's Day since I have been alive to her business, never sulking that she doesn't get these days to herself.

I think about my mother in law and what a wonderful job she did raising my husband.  As I prepare to raise my own son, I want to look to her in appreciation and respect for the mother she has been to him.  I desire to continue to honor her role as mother in our lives and not just make this holiday all about myself now.

And then I think of my husband.  The man who has given me this gift of being a mom as he sacrifices his day off to work and continue to provide for our family.  He gives me so much all year long, expecting so much in one day only sets him up for failure. 

I want to be the type of mom that gives and loves selflessly.  To love and serve my children as a calling on my life with no strings attached.  I want to be a wife, friend, and daughter who is thoughtful enough to honor others before even worrying about myself. 

I want to be a mom that is grateful every day for the life that I have been given.  To find my worth in knowing that I am loved by simply being more present in the moment and to embrace the priceless gifts that are already before me.

I want to be a mom that appreciates each day.  Even when things are hard.  And even when I get caught up in my own selfishness.  I am thankful for the moms who have gone before me, who have shown me what gracious love looks like.  I want to be a mom like them who encourages other moms to see their Mother's Day gifts are already right in front of them each and every day.

Happy Mother's Day to all my mom friends and my hoping to be a mom one day friends as well.  You are a gift to me and for that I am forever grateful.



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