Last Spring I shared some of my motherhood testimony to my mom group, MomCo (formerly known as MOPS). It has been a long time since I have spoken in front of a group and the thought of preparing and practicing to speak was overwhelming. But the Lord, and my sweet friend who was leading the group at the time, kept prompting me to share. And I am so glad they did.
I was able to put into words my heart over the past decade of parenting. It has been a long and surprising journey, taking us through experiences and places that I would have never imagined along the way. I love that so many of you have followed us along this joureny, ever since I gave birth to our first baby boy and then when we packed our bags and moved away from California.
While I was able to document many things through this time, this story as a whole has yet to be put into words. Yet it remained heavy in my heart for so long. Pieces would come out in conversations but to have it all together means so much to me. I am entering in to a new chapter of motherhood. So for now, this has been my story.
...
I was asked to share part of my story with you all today, my motherhood testimony so far, but I have been dragging my feet. Because, to be completely honest with you, I am overwhelmed.
There are so many things I could say or share. But pinning myself down to complete a single thought seems like a lot somedays. Maybe you can relate? But one of the things I love about MomCo is that it is a place for us to share our hearts.
I have been a mom for nine years now. I have four beautiful rambunctious children. They are 9, 6, 4, and 2. Strangers make really disturbing faces when they see us coming! We are a lot. ;)
My husband Brent and I grew up in the Sacramento area of California. We uprooted our family and moved to Virginia for my husband’s job when our first child was 3 months old. We moved into a lovely farmhouse in the country. It was a beautiful new season for us but it was also really lonely. My husband and I had some of our hardest years of marriage during the three years we lived there. We were experiencing parenting for the first time, moved away from all our family and friends, and he had a demanding work schedule. I struggled with depression. I questioned our marriage. I was lost and all I knew to do was to try to keep going for that sweet baby of mine.
I attended three MomCo groups in three years. The first two were not great. My last day at both of those groups I drove home crying because I felt so unwelcome. Never had I quite felt like I didn’t belong.
I gave one more group a try and I remember sitting in the parking lot and praying out of desperation, “God can this just be the one?”
I was looking for a place to belong. For people I felt understood me. And thankfully this last group provided that. It was a wonderful group. I made a few sweet friends. And in our last year in Virginia I finally felt like I had some sort of community. I felt less alone in motherhood and I met women who weren’t afraid to be real. I was reassured I wasn’t alone in the challenges with raising a child, that others were struggling in their marriages too, and that people cared for me just as I was.
We then had our second, our daughter. And when she was 9 months old we packed up and moved again. This time to Washington. My husband knew that things needed to change for our family. A job opened up here for him with his same company and we saw it as a chance to start fresh and be closer to our family in California.
We had a hopeful few months. I joined this MomCo group. We attended a church we were excited about. I met a few friends quickly and things were looking up. But then the pandemic hit.
I had a 1 year old and a 3 year old at the time. Brent started working from home. And we spiraled again. Loneliness, depression, and marital stress again. It was hard. I had only attended a couple of MomCo meetings at the time. And when I shared that we didn’t have anyone to open up our quarantine circle to, my mentor mom reached out and offered to go on weekly social distancing walks with me. She was the only person I really was able to spend time with as we all lived under uncertainty and fear. She was a Godsend during a difficult and dark time.
Two other moms eventually reached out and we went out to dinner once a month during the pandemic. We sat outside under tents with heaters while it rained. They blessed me when I was pregnant with our third, another sweet baby boy. Women I barely knew and had just recently met, were so kind and generous to me.
After a year we got to meet up at MomCo in person again. We had to wear masks during our meetings but could take them off to eat. It was strange but we were all so grateful to be able to meet together. It was an intense time, many of us out of social practice. But it was a really special year as we bonded during such a difficult time.
Then I had my fourth, another beautiful baby girl. While I was pregnant, I was on the leadership team for MomCo. I got so sick early on in my pregnancy that I missed months of meetings. I was unable to fulfill my commitments and it was hard to accept help. When I came back, people welcomed me with open arms. My table blessed and cared for me as I prepared for my last baby to be born. Gifts and meals. I felt so undeserving of such care.
I could not show up the way I thought I should. And yet, no one cared. They were happy I was here when I could be.
Then last year I did the same thing. I took months off because I was so overwhelmed with adjusting to having four kids. And while I was gone I was covered with encouragement and prayer. And I was welcomed back with open arms once again.
It can be hard to find your place and a community after having kids. But something I have learned in these past nine years is that it is okay that friendships come and go. That people are put in your life for a season and for a purpose, even if it is short. What I love about MomCo is that it is a group of women who want to connect and are willing to be available. To support each other during a very challenging season of their lives, while also going through those same challenges.
When I think back to the women I met at MomCo over the years, my heart is so full. I love these women. And even if it was just for a short time, they have helped shape the mom and woman I am today. Without them I would have continued to feel lost.
My marriage has gotten better. And I have learned to settle in to these years of raising children with much more grace for myself. God used relationships to keep me afloat during these challenging years of motherhood.
On Easter I was so moved by a word and a song I heard at church. It gave me goosebumps and I thought to myself, I haven’t felt this way in a long time. It can be so hard to focus, complete a thought, and let alone have a deep spiritual moment when I am running to one child catastrophe after another. But God spoke to me in that moment to just be available.
To be open to hearing his voice, even in the mundane of mothering. To not be afraid to be open, vulnerable, or willing to listen. Because He often speaks in the tender moments of the heart.
I am not going to tell you that things get easier as your kids get older. But what I will say is that if you are willing to show up, God will meet you right where you are at. Imperfect, messy, chaotic. He loves you just the same.
He is speaking to us in a gentle whisper. Through friends, through an encouraging word, through our children. All He asks of us is to just show up.
Wherever life takes you next week or next year. And in the years to come in this mothering journey. When you feel tired and like you don’t have much left to give. My prayer for you today is that you will not be afraid to just show up. God will meet you there.
0 comments