June 10, 2015
The Idea of Change Without the Change
There is a tiny chance that sometime within the next four years we could move across the country. It is something we have known for a few months now that I have been hesitant to share so publicly. It is personal, unknown, and out of our control. But it is a reality that I have over thought, cried over, and is currently teaching me a lot. So I decided it was time to talk about it.
Without going into all the personal, I am not sure if it is my place to talk about details, I want to share about the process. I have had zero desire ever in my life to move away. My husband and I both have grown up here and our immediate family is close. We love our neighborhood, our home, our friends, and specifically the location we live in.
We do not desire to move but we have accepted that we might. That given the choice to move (which has not been given yet) could be wiser than staying. Plus the tiny bit of excitement that comes from the opportunity to live near the east coast for awhile is somewhat appealing.
So after a few days of letting it set in, I was running at the high school near my house when I started balling. I was all by myself running. Blubbering like a little baby all before the sun came up. It was a little ridiculous.
What did I cry over? Not seeing my nephews grow up. And my roses. And the fireplace.
My true priorities had been revealed.
It is crazy how much I love my home. I have spent time thinking about what I would bring with me. What could be replaced and what was obviously irreplaceable. I would get sad at the idea of future renters or homeowners letting all my flowers die. Not watering enough or taking the proper care. I have literally spent countless daydreaming sessions worrying about PLANTS. I am a crazy person.
But the reality is that I realized how much I truly love this space that we live in. That all those years of repainting walls to get the right color and digging and replanting the same trees and bushes year after year mean something. It made me appreciate, that much more, our home and all the time, money, and labor that has gone into it. And don't even get me started on the fireplace. We haven't even had a year together yet.
Once I get past the sadness over leaving our house, I remember my nephews, and my parents, and our family and friends. I think about not having extra help around when we have kids. And making new friends. And who will come to our Holiday Dessert Party??? I will stage it for the blog and then eat all the dessert myself to cope with missing home.
But at the end of the day, through the weighing of the pros and cons and the reality of what it would mean to move away...and to move so far away. Is that at the end of the day, all I need is Brent. And that I had to choose to look him in the eyes and tell him, "I will follow you wherever we have to go."
The thought of leaving our home makes me appreciate it more. The thought of moving away from my sweet baby nephews encourages me to soak up the moments we have together now.
Life seemed to be put on pause for a little while as we considered this move. We realized that we weren't going to know an answer for awhile and that we had to keep living knowing this place may not be forever. I have planted new trees and flowers. And we move forward with some bigger house projects that we have planned for years. We have decided to keep living even with the unknown because really we may live in this house for the rest of our lives. All is up in the air. But just the thought of change is changing us.
I am grieving things that are yet to be officially grieved. But this situation has been thrown at us for a reason. Maybe to bring some perspective or strengthen our marriage. But I have chosen to not live in fear about it. To stop crying during my workouts and appreciate our days here. To accept life when it changes and to remind my husband that he is more important than this house, our roots, our family, and being comfortable. That he needs to know I would go to the ends of the earth (or country!) with him in full support of what is best for our family.
So until the day comes where we say yes or no to moving, we wait. We move forward and we ride this wave while it lasts. But I am grateful for a little perspective even if it is scary. And I trust that whatever happens is meant to be.