Things I Have Been Meaning To Tell You

I recently have felt the courage to get back into some of the more personal and deep aspects of blogging.  With how social media and the internet has changed over the years, I have become so scared to put things out there.  I feel like I have so much I want to say but don't know quite how to say it.

As I sit here typing away, I long for connection.  I long for meaningful conversation.  I long for a blogging space that I'm not so fearful to write in.

So I am ready to be here with you.  To make this little corner of the internet a place to connect.  So here it goes...

// We have been trying to get pregnant again.  We are going into month seven - just like last time.  It is weird to be in this place again. 

When my sister in law was here visiting a few weeks ago we chatted on this topic.  She reminded me how much stress can play into everything.  And that we have had a really crazy past year and though I feel like I am past a lot of the darkness and anxiety that came with that, it can still linger in my body.

While my day to day is a lot better, there are new challenges that come with friends and family living so far away.  I have added a lot of guilt to my wandering mind over not visiting California enough and pressuring myself to have deep and authentic relationships here.  

I started having nightmares that clued me in to how serious this guilt was eating away at me.  So I have been trying to take the steps I need to let go of this.  I am the only one truly in control of my happiness and ability to find contentment so I am continually learning how to surrender and find a healthy rhythm. 

We would love to have another child.  But perhaps what the Lord is doing in my heart right now might just be more important than having another child at the moment.  Maybe this time is the real gift to our family and our son.  

I am finding great peace in realizing that not being pregnant isn't my fault.  And while it is up to me to find balance over anxiety in my life, I cannot control life to be without it.  

So I am choosing to be present during this time of waiting - learning, growing, and being however I am supposed to.

// In other news, we joined a gym a few months ago and it is the best.  Having a place to drop off my son while I get a little time to myself has been wonderful.

My son gets to play with others and I get just enough introverted social interaction that doesn't leave me exhausted.  Plus I am challenging my body in ways it needs to be challenged that I simply could not do alone at home.

I am finding that it is okay to say no to good things in order to say yes to things that are healing and joy giving.  I often feel a sense of guilt (again!) creeping in over taking care of myself or choosing stability at home first.  But I have to be reminded that these are means of survival. 

A friend recently shared this image on listening to emotions that stated - "guilt shows you that you're still living life in other people's expectations of what you should do".  You guys, I am realizing I have a lot more guilt on my shoulders than I realized and that so much of it stems from people pleasing.  I think I need to read Boundaries again.

// Our son is getting so big, independent, and adventurous.  It really has been such a joy to watch him grow through each season.  They say to enjoy these years as they go by quickly.  And I really feel like I am doing my best to do so.  And this goes right back to that saying yes and no thing.  Yes to a happy and healthy mama so I can say yes to being present with my husband and son.  I don't want to live in a cloud and for me having routine and order play a big role in this.

// My husband's work has been a positive light lately and it reminded me of why we moved here.  He has allowed me to live out so many of my own dreams in the past years of our marriage and us packing up and moving across the country was partly in hopes that it was his turn to live out his own.

Work is work and it comes with it's challenges.  But he is being recognized and celebrated in a way that makes my heart burst with pride.

It has been a humbling reminder that this life season is not all about me.  This is my opportunity to continue to serve and encourage my husband to be the man he was created to be.

I have our sweet son and my husband here with me, we have traveled to so many amazing places since we moved, and I have a beautiful home that I can continue to be creative in and find daily purpose in.

While sometimes I miss our previous life, I have to be reminded that my dreams are not stifled.  They continue in different ways and sometimes it is okay for them to be put on hold.

// So that is the latest with us.  We are doing so much better than we were six months ago.  But the weight of life still continues to feel heavy-ish.  And perhaps this is just how it will be for awhile.  I am learning to be okay with that.  Thanks for being here friends.  xo