Back when we had two kids and we had just made our second cross country move to Washington state I wrote a piece about friendship after becoming a mom and moving. It was for a parenting website I used to write for that is sadly no longer. I also did not manage to keep a copy of that post to be able to come back to. But my main point was that I learned that friends come in seasons. That they are put in our life for a time and that it was okay to let them go when they naturally do.
I wanted everyone to be a close friend and I wanted to keep in touch even if years or miles separated us. I think maybe the internet and social media gave me the illusion that this was possible. But instead of feeling hurt that friendships didn't always last the test of time, I grew to accept and appreciate that some friends were simply for a season. I still think lovingly about these friends I am no longer in touch with. But I have needed to allow myself to give my social energy to new friends who were right in front of me and available.
I had tried multiple mom's groups when we lived in our last home in Virginia. It took trying three different groups over the course of three years to finally find people I clicked with...only to end up moving again. But those friends I had for a short time were worth continuing to look for and invest my time into.
Fast forward six years since I shared all this - I am now a mom of four and have entered into the world of school moms. My oldest went to a half day kindergarten so we entered into our elementary school a year behind in meeting people. He did great in making a few close friends while I struggled to feel like I could keep up while balancing little ones at home.
And while I won't go into all the details, I have continued to feel some of those sad and isolating feelings I felt all those years ago, in Virginia, feeling like I was not welcome or fit in. Thankfully this time around I have a few established friends. We also survived moving to a new state right before the pandemic which was it's own social experiment of not knowing anyone and no one willing to open their quarantine circle up to our family.
But I am a couple years through this, feeling more established and connected at my kids' school. We have a handful of friends and neighbors who we feel genuine love, support, and a willingness to be our emergency contacts! And while I wish I never had my feelings hurt, it has been working through uncomfortable relationships that I have learned the most about friendships.
I have learned that I will not connect with everyone. As a people pleaser this is so hard. I would pour extra energy into people, trying to get them to like me, only realizing that they maybe weren't someone I wanted to be friends with anyways. I am getting better at spotting people who are genuinely caring and interested. And when I start to see the circles of women form, I am learning to be okay being by myself. Because I don't want to fight to be heard or seen.
There is something about finding security in myself. I want to teach my daughters to know there is always room at our table and that we shouldn't have to perform to be loved.
I am learning to be even more grateful for the few sweet friends that I have. To be better at seeing them, appreciating them, and showing up for them. Instead of spreading myself thin trying to get in to all the different social circles in my life.
I want to have the energy to say hi, ask the questions, and welcome people in. But that starts with investing in myself, caring for my family, having my own interests and hobbies, and then finding like minded people who want to simply do life together.
I also realized a few years ago, that being a part of my mom community, MomCo, continues to be such a welcoming and loving place - even though I am a mom of older kids now. I am going to a place that is designed for connection and it is a community like no other.
I am looking forward to the coming years where I can be more involved in my kids' school and activities but there is a different pace of life as kids get older. I can't keep up with all the extracurriculars and if that is a requirement to having friendships, I am looking in the wrong places.
Moms of littles at the playground are looking for someone to talk to. I still feel this at times myself, desperate for an another grown up to talk to - making friends with my grocery pick up workers and UPS driver! But I am finding that having young children is a unique time to make friends. You might be exhausted but there often is a more open schedule that allows for making friends and connecting.
So I am over here, stuck in the middle - still with little ones while also balancing the life of school age children. I treasure my big family but it also sets us apart at times. But through these years of raising kids over and over has come experience and insight I am so grateful for.
It is the friends who get me, are willing to show up, and genuinely care that are worth making time for. We don't always have the same age kids, our kids go to different schools or choose different types of schooling, and we have different hobbies and interests. But we share in a way of connecting that bonds us in a really special way.
Find your people, love on them, and make time for them.
I will end with this quote from At Home With Shannon that has really helped me reshape my mindset on relationships:
Teaching my daughters that we do not sit at tables we weren't invited to, we do not chase people who ignore us and we stop inviting people who don't show up. We create our own table for people who truly love us for who we are and WE KNOW OUR WORTH.
See her Instagram post here (it's so powerful!):
0 comments