Hard Days

A few weeks ago I had one of those hard marriage days.  You know those ones...the HARD ones.  Heart wrenching pain ones.  I love my husband and we believe in a gracious God.  And so through it we became stronger and closer. 

But it really opened my eyes to my own life...my role as wife...my faith.  And I realized how selfish I have been for probably the past year...yep, year.  I have shared tid-bits of this struggle with you all...trying to find my purpose, dealing with difficult people, being okay with being at home...and for a moment I was able to get through it only to find myself in the same slump a few weeks later.

I could not figure out what it would take to get myself in the right direction again.  As days and weeks and months passed I tried and tried to figure it out.  And then that HARD day came...

Broken, on my knees, surrendering all of who I am...turning over my life again to a Lord I once passionately followed.  It was like he was saying, "Ashley, what is it going to take for you to follow me again?"  Apparently heart wrenching pain...

My husband and I are good.  I love him more than anything else on this earth.  We have been able to move forward.  And though it was hard, it was what I needed.  I needed to be broken.  My eyes have opened to the person I was created to be...and it is time to start living like it.

I try so hard to be a good wife...cooking, cleaning, trying to look good, take care of my husband, be nice...but at the end of the day if I am not a wife on my knees daily praying for my husband and our life...I have failed at the wife my husband deserves.

I recently stumbled upon this post I wrote back in 2009...weeks before I got married.  I was a starry eyed soon to be married woman.  I was so excited for the life ahead of me...the calling I felt on my life...reading it again reminded me of the woman I want to be and once had my eyes set on. 

My heart is fuller than it has been in a long time.  It is sometimes those difficult seasons that you just have to suck it up and get through.  But I have changed.  I finally have the joy again that only comes from the Lord and I am ready to live my life. 

How have hard times changed you?