Contentment--Different Season, Same Struggle

I recently stumbled across some old posts of mine and they were about my struggle with letting myself be a stay at home wife.  If you want to catch up with them, most of them can be found here.

What I found so interesting is that while so much has changed, who I am deep down inside hasn't changed that much.  I often feel like my posts are too heavy.  I wonder if I don't filter them enough with pretty pictures of my home.  But when I look back at those posts...those days of substitute teaching...oh those days...I remember how hard it was for me to get to where I am now.  Yet I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for those words.  Being able to process the person I want to be is a huge part of becoming that person.

My struggles are different these days.  I am at home and there are no questions about it.  But I still struggle.  I struggle with productivity.  I pressure myself to not waste these years I have at home by myself.  I tell myself I am not the housewife I used to be.  I forget how heavy my heart was then because it still feels heavy today but in different ways.

Sometimes I feel bad for feeling heavy but I think this heaviness is a reminder that I have a choice in the way I live.  When I am not distracted and selfish, my heart is light.  I have experienced it and so when life gets out of balance, I sense the heaviness.  I know a lot of this stems from guilt and legalism I put on myself that I am currently working through but at the same time it is a reminder that I do know what it feels like to be free. 

I suppose what I am trying to say is that when that day comes that I have my first child, I want to look back at this season fondly.  Like how I looked back today at those days that I subbed.  Behind those words were stress and often sadness.  But when I read them today they are stories of redemption and freedom.  That fighting for the life I wanted was worth the struggle.