While cleaning out my office I stumbled upon an unfinished journal I had started in 2011. As I read the words I took pen to paper three years ago, there was a lot of pain. I was caught by surprise.
I suppose my season of depression last year, where I was at my worst, has blocked out previous struggles. I even went back to old blog posts to see what I was writing about at that time, only to confirm that it was a hard season.
I then came across some quotes I had jotted down from the book Women Food and God. They hit me pretty hard:
"When you abuse yourself (by taunting or threatening yourself) you become a bruised human being no matter how much you weigh."Over and over I wrote in my journal my struggle with food. How I turned to it in hard times because I did not want to feel my pain.
Three years later, though I feel like I have grown in this area, I see the mark I have made through the abuse I put on myself. Those terrible words I spoke in my head and the pain I felt by not only dealing with my problems but adding food to the mix.
I have bruised myself over the years. Even in my small successes, it sure is easy to be reminded and feel the guilt of who I have been.
But I believe there is hope. As I read this next quote, I found peace in knowing how far I have come.
"When you no longer believe that eating will save your life when you feel exhausted or overwhelmed or lonely, you will stop. When you believe in yourself more than you believe in food, you will stop using food as if it were your only chance at not falling apart."Earlier this week I had a turning point. It was when I cried while running on the track. It was when I was willing to confront my pain that I was able to find freedom in the hold food was having on me.
It is time to start believing in myself again. And to stop living the lie that food is the answer.